A Reflection... Putting myself in the kids' shoes...

With a little regret I pen this, reminding myself that I have to move from here and not get stuck. Originally, I had wanted to blog on Nat's blog but somehow feel that this is something more of a mother's thoughts.

Nat is fast growing up. He is turning 8 this year. I am so guilty as charged for "neglect" of Nat since Jere came about. Thank God I am conscious about it and want to do something about it. God sent His angels to me time and again to remind me what I have done or rather what I have not done for Nat.

There's so much joy in bringing up kids. We just gotta focus on what they have done and not what they have not done. Just like what I always tell Jere "Look at what you are able to do and not what you are not able to do" whenever he asks me "Why mummy? Why I cannot walk?" Yet, I always look at Nat and scream at him for the things he has yet to achieve for me.... like when are you gonna see the dentist and get those rotten teeth fixed? When are you gonna start behaving and stop all your nonsense in school? When am I gonna stop getting the complaints from your teachers?????

I look at my two boys. Both are my own. One well and one not quite. It almost seems natural to lean towards the not quite well child and help him in almost everything I could, almost feeling that it's my fault that he is not walking and he is not well and taking for granted that the well child can only get better without my help at all. It never ever occurred to me that my well child was regressing! What are you thinking mummy?????

Of late, I look at Nat and feel that tinge of regret and sadness. He has definitely been neglected much as Tim and I have denied. We try to give him as much as we can... but most of the times I must say is of material stuff. Yes, we fetch him to school, fetch him from school, give him all the extra curricular activities he asked for, namely golf, piano, swimming, violin.... He asked to join the altar servers at Catholic Spiritual Centre and Christ the King and we let him join. He goes for Kumon English and some Chinese Fun Class in Jere's school but the boy seems not too happy. He's lost the sparkle that I used to see. Last Sunday, Nat wet his bed again! This bet-wetting thing had started since Jerry's coming. He used to be dry since he was one plus! then all of it came back when he was about 4. This time, he did not just wet his bed. He even wet himself after mass. Is there a fear in him, too much to handle? Is he going through extreme stress?

He seems to want our attention more than anything else. He's starting to act up a lot in school. Not handing up his art work for 6 weeks. Why haven't we noticed? He told us that he need not hand up those work as he brought them back week after week and yes we took it as that. Making funny noises in class and distracting his friends during lessons to the point that the form teacher called to say she may have to take him to the Discipline Master. Is this all a result of a lacking of attention? or what the teacher say a symptom of a hyper-active child? I am so frus when I see all these happening that I just wanna scream and punish him each time the teacher complains. I was dealing with the boy not wanting to co-operate with the dentist since last year. But has it ever occurred to me that this was all happening because deep down inside, he was really fearful and insecure? Maybe he just wanted more love and attention from his daddy and mummy? Is it a fault to want the love of mummy and daddy just as how they seem to love the little brother? Is it a fault to feel this sense of insecurity? This child is not even eight years old and it must have been too much for him to handle himself. Poor child.

When I am stressed, I can talk back to my boss... which is dear husband since I am a stay at home mum (sahm). I can go get some chocolates in the refridgerator or chips from the cabinets as comfort food. I have my friends to talk to. I know how to seek God in prayer. But our children are not able to do all these! They can't talk back to us. They would have gotten that tight slap for sure. They can't reach out for any comfort food as all those are controlled food for their age. They don't have friends who could listen and advise at that age. They also have not been taught enough to seek God in prayer and contemplation.

Looking at Nat, he is like any other being, wanting to be accepted. He carries around toys he thinks as cool to be more secure and confident. Guess that is his comfort too. He can't talk back at us adults so he snaps at Jere whenever he has that opportunity and that doesn't help at all coz in the process, Jere learns to speak nasty too and we parents get mad at Nat coz he snaps at Jere first.... but have we slowed down to think why did he snap in the first place? He misbehaves and gets some attention though not quite the right kind of attention. He can't seek junk food for comfort to release the stress he is experiencing. His relationship with me, his mummy is a love hate one. He loves me coz I am his mummy, I suppose. I give and provide him a lot, if not all of the stuff that he needs and wants. He hates me for the discipline I deliver. From the horse's mouth itself I got that "mummy don't like me. mummy don't love me." Nat probably does not understand at all when I scream or punish him. He just understands it as hurt. And yes, I may have hurt him both physically and emotionally. It sounds a tad too serious and scary... and yes, sometimes we parents may have done that without realising it. Kids these days are more aware and sensitive. Neither do I understand my outbursts too at times. Have I neglected my prayer life, meditation and contemplation?

How to fix all these?
1. I have to fix myself. Put aside fixed and regular time for prayer, meditation and contemplation.
2. Reconcile with Nat. Heal all those hurts. Just like what Father William always say, we should have our "penitential service" with our spouse and our children.
3. Reconnect with Nat. Do not take for granted his well-being. Set time for Nat.

Nat, I love you and your brother Jeremiah. I pray that I will be a good mother to you children. Thank You Lord Jesus for giving us Mary to be our mother as You said to John "Behold your mother". Lord Jesus, help me in my role of motherhood to maintain an attitude of trust and confidence in God as Mary did. Father Lord, You have plans for these children, help me to be like Mother Mary, how she went through the pain in sharing so closely the mission of her divine son. Father Lord, fill me up and make me whole.

Like the woman at the well I was seeking
For things that could not satisfy;
And then I heard my Savior speaking:
"Draw from my well that never shall run dry".

Fill my cup Lord, I lift it up, Lord!
Come and quench this thirsting of my soul.
Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more.
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole!

There are millions in this world who are craving
The pleasures earthly things afford.
But none can match the wondrous treasure
That I find in Jesus Christ my Lord.

Fill my cup Lord, I lift it up, Lord!
Come and quench this thirsting of my soul.
Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more.
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole!

So, my brother, if the things this world gave you
Leave hungers that won't pass away,
My blessed Lord will come and save you,
If you kneel to Him and humbly pray:

Fill my cup Lord, I lift it up, Lord!
Come and quench this thirsting of my soul.
Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more.
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole!

A call from the hospital....

The other side of the line: Is this Jeremiah mummy?

Me: Yes

Other side: This is calling from KKH X-ray Dept

Me: Yes?

Other side: Jeremiah has an appointment for DMSA on the 28th April right?

Me: Yes?

I was trying to interrupt but could not... coz I wanted to say I did not want to go for this DMSA thing.

Other side: Looks like we gotta postpone this appointment.

Me: BEST! THANK YOU LORD!

Other side: (sounding a little baffled) We ran out of the medicine and it's run out world wide!

Me: Praise the Lord!

Other side: (Sounding like she was trying to control her amusement) We will let u know again.

Me: It's ok! Praise the Lord!

I never did wanted the test anyway... and was thinking how to avoid it. Could not do anything but ask the Lord, my God and He sure works in His own mysterious ways!

I was so so amazed and over the hills that I had to immediately go share it with the helper the news and of coz to dear husband when he came home.

Upon hearing what I told him,
Dear Husband: Only God is capable of this. Run out of medicine worldwide! WOW! YOU must put this on your blog....

So here it is! ALL YOU READING THIS! AIN'T HE AMAZING????? YES! HE ANSWERS PRAYERS!!! HE SURE DOES! NEVER EVER DOUBT HIM :) THANK YOU LORD! YOUR GRACE STILL AMAZES ME!

Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day i fall on my knees
'cause Your grace still amazes me
Your grace still amazes me

Update on the tests!

Two tests done!
The ultrasound and the MCU was done last week April 12th. Mummy sent out prayer requests to all. Thank you all for your prayers.

Everything went smooth. Praise the Lord.
We started off by buying Jerry a Mr Bean ice cream upon reaching the hospital to kinda calm his nerves.
Then we went for the ultrasound. Ultrasound was smooth. No crying. Not a tear. However, as we were doing the ultrasound, Jerry could hear the crying of the child next door in the MCU room which got him a little worried.
When it was Jerry's turn to go in the MCU room, he was all apprehensive but still, he was a good boy and changed into his x ray robes nicely.

Then we entered the room. He was so scared he refused to be put down. Daddy started to make some monkey faces to distract him.
Nevertheless, we had him put down. He started crying. He looked really scared. Poor baby. Even mummy gotta wear some "space suit". Mummy finally managed to make Jerry smile after crying for some 20 min. He was intimidated by the "space shuttle" that he had to lay in and the catheter that went in his privates and the tapes all around the area.
Look at Jerry! Despite the fear, he manages a smile :)
Mummy had to distract distract distract.... talking about everything under the sun and holding the camera to make him smile as Jerry is one vain little boy. He will always try to pose when he catches the camera in his line of sight.
Here he is, posing after being convinced the "space shuttle" is not gonna crush him.


Usually when the scans are ok, they will tell us to follow up with the doctors after. If they look look see see and worry,and start to call the consultants down and all that, that's when we gotta worry too.

No news = Good news!

So our appointment with the urologist would be 27 May 2010.
Meantime, pray that all is well :)
Thank You Lord for protecting Jeremiah and keeping him in your care.

2 tests in 2 days' time

Please keep us in prayers.

Please pray that the procedures will be smooth and the results would be positively good.
AMEN!

Test dates

given.....

1.Ultrasound 12 April 2010 2pm

2.MCU 12 April 3.30pm

3.DMSA 28 April 10am

4. Dr Yap review 27 May 1110am


the nurse called and gave me the above dates and time.
She said the UDS slots are full so hang on... I said... best! if everything all full :P then no need any tests..... The nure must have thought this mummy was mad :P but no, mummy's not mad.... just keep the faith coz our Lord healeths Jerry :)

Please pray for good results as we approach the tests.

Blessed Easter Everyone!

Our family attended our first triduum at Catholic Spiritual Centre over the Good Friday Weekend.
We had the Seder meal on Holy Thursday, attended the Good Friday Mass, and the Easter Mass and party all there!

It's amazing how God has brought us closer to Him through our children. We were first led to Catholic Spiritual Centre (CSC) by Jeremiah, our little one when he was born coz people suggested we take him to the 4th Saturday healing mass at CSC. Then last year 2009, it was announced that they needed altar servers there. Nat was keen and for once, daddy was ready to commit to bringing the boy to the trainings and all that... and so we became more committed to that place. Nat started to serve in more masses and our family started to go there more. God sure works in His own amazing ways!

This Easter, Nat also did his debut serve in Christ the King Church. Nat also told mummy this.....

Nat: Mummy, I don't want to get married next time. I want to be like Father William. I want to train under him and be a good priest like him.

I smiled and said.... PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!

Jerry watches his brother Nat serve mass and start to join his hands and bow and swing whatever he gets on his hands saying he is doing the incensing.... I know this little one can't wait to grow up, stand and walk and serve the Lord.

so we bring him to his Catechesis of the Good Shepherd every Sunday and recently, he is learning the colours



learn it well, Jerry. You're on your way... You'll have no problem when you enter the vestry next time *wink*