God Knows

Yes, He knows when I am feeling down.

I have my moments too....

As it comes to almost a year since Jere was born and everyone asking me if there's gonna be a celebration or not, the memory of the pain when Jere was born, how he went into surgery and all the fear almost a year ago gripped me! It felt so tight, so suffocating. Suddenly i felt so so down, thinking that I have not done enough for this little life that I've given birth. Looking at how fast the time flies and how little i have accomplished with him suddenly saddened me. There seems so much to do for Jere but so little time. Is it because I am working that I can't accomplish as much??? but if i don't work, how are we gonna cope with the bills? Can tim sustain???

I cried and cried at healing mass last saturday. I felt so suffocated by all that is happening. Work, family, and all the crazy rush to the hospitals for all the checks, the mri scans, the ultrasounds.... and more tests coming up that I've pushed till after Jere's first birthday

What's bothering me? i really don't know....

Counting, more than ten friends had babies the same year that Jere was born. All of them have more or less hit all the milestones. The milestones set by humans. Everytime someone sees us, they would ask... can he crawl? Is he cruising? Can he walk? We never ever thought such a simple question could cause so much hurt in a mother. Never. And yes, YES it's hurting inside everytime someone asks. Why can't humans just see what they can see and appreciate what they can see?

Why can't doctors and nurses use kinder words? I was trying to be nice when I saw this nurse in kkh who had used kinda nasty tones at us before when I saw her while wandering around kkh waiting for our turn at physio last Saturday. I said Good morning while this is how she greeted me "Still haven do ah?"(the clean intermittent catheterization she means) She did not even return the Good morning. How sad for these people. In 2 days' time, we've got an appointment with the neurologist at kkh who turned us away when I knocked on her door some 3 months ago. She said she's gotta rush for a lunch appointment. We had waited for more than an hour for our turn after 3 months of waiting for the appointment to have Jere assessed globally and when it was finally our turn, Jere was fast asleep. She said not to wake him and just asked me questions like is he babbling? is he sitting? crawling? and sent us out. Jere woke the minute we stepped out of her office so i knocked to ask her to assess him and she said she was rushing for a lunch appointment and walked right past us and off she went. Frankly, I don't look forward to seeing her at all and she's supposedly active in the organisation club rainbow. She certainly didn't seem compassionate to me at all.
The urologist is supposed to get back to me on the report of the last ultrasound as she promised but it's been how long since the ultrasound, i have not heard from her. She had told us that she would be going on a school trip with her daugther and she might be missing in action for a while. We saw her after the report was out the day the ultrasound was done. The report showed thickened bladder walls but no numerical values attached to it and I have asked her about it as the previous ultrasound showed thickened bladder walls but had a numerical value of 4mm. All she had to say was, you gotta do something... cathetherization or some punching of hole on the bladder or even circumsicion. Wait a minute, cant we do a comparison of the ultrasounds properly first before we make any decision???? Well, maybe the bladder walls are thickened but it could be lesser than the previous time? Shouldn't there be a numerical value or something to compare? otherwise how do we even plot a graph and assess what's the progress? then what's the purpose of doing all these scans???

maybe..... maybe all these pent up frustrations is just driving me a little mad....

i just need to surrender them to the Lord.
Lord, make me a channel of your peace.
this jus reminds me of the prayer of St Francis.
We just need to give of ourselves to meet the needs of others for it is in giving that we receive. that as we give of ourselves, we receive the peace and blessing of our risen Lord Jesus. It is our sins that block our claim on the eternal life. Lord, help me to forgive these people that hurt me. help me to let go Lord. I know deep down inside i still kinda can't forgive the gynae that saw me thru my pregnancy and delivered Jere. Just felt that he did not inform us enough of the tests that we should have taken and that aside, after the delivery, he was hardly compassionate about the whole thing. He even charge me a hundred plus for the post natal check. ok. maybe he was trying to be professional. but somehow he just gave me a feeling like he's kinda afraid we gonna pick up charges against him or something. straight after i delivered, he dragged tim aside and asked him, you didn't do the test???? tim was like what test?? did you even tell us??? all that i can remember is he always said.... it's ok la, you all are still young, just do the normal test will do la... the optional ones can skip.... and when things happen....???? Lord help me to see the goodness of it and let go.
Lord, grant me the peace, the consolation, the hope, the light and the joy in all these situations now Lord.

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring your love.
Where there is injury, your Pardon, Lord,
and where there's doubt, true faith in you.

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where ther's despair in life, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, only light,
and where there's sadness ever joy.

O Master, grant that I may never seek
so much to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved, as to love, with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
In giving of ourselves that we receive,
and in dying that we're born to eternal life.