Have we neglected the big bro?

Today I caught myself saying this to my sister after hanging up on the phone with the helper at home.

"Horrible Nat! Naughty Nat! Attention seeking NAT!!!!"
Catching myself, I shouted "HELPPPPPP!!!!!!!"

The helper had just called to say Nat was not co-operating and did not want to go to his art class(something that he had asked for and usually likes).

Why can't I find something nice to say about my son?
Why does he give the helper hell????
I just told my sister earlier that morning that Nat's a big boy now. He's a good boy and merely a few hours later, I am shouting the contrary.

Yes, he has grown! He's a great boy! But he is also very much a bully when left with the helper alone. I really cannot stand it when I see him shouting at the helper. I feel so bad and ashamed to say he's my son when he does that.

It almost seems like a vicious cycle beyond my control. The helper practises favourtism very obviously. She favours Jere more and this only leads to Nat resenting the fact and thus giving her hell everytime an opportunity arises.

I hate his attitude problem! His screaming at the helper. His rude attitude when playing with other children. Children he is not familiar with, he would be rude, like give them a black face and speak to them in a one kind tone. Children he is familiar with, he will be screaming so so loud as he plays with them.

I thought I spent a good whole of his formative years with him, teaching him and guiding him.

Why? Why did it have to turn out like that? *ANGRY*

okok... I know, I know.... please do not start whipping out solutions to me....
I just wanted to vent... that's all.

Sis says:
Afterall they are kids...

I say:
I definitely don't subscribe to the school of thought of "afterall they are kids " It is definitely not a good or valid reason at all! No! not at all! DEFINITELY NOT!

They can be taught!
DEFINITELY!
They need to be more secure about themselves.
I need to work on this.
I need to learn more about this and learn how to do it!
If I have to start all over again, I would!
Nat's just 5!
Even if it takes me double the time....
10 yrs to change him to be a better person, at least I know he will be a better teenager coz he will be 15 by then.

Nat was never a bad child to start with.

No child is ever born bad.

Quoting Suzuki, "Children are examples of life in its truest form, for they really try to live in pure love and joy."

I know deep down inside Nat's just really insecure. One thing leads to another. He becomes attention seeking.

Sometimes I get so warped when I see his behaviour, almost believing that I really had a monster for a son, almost wondering if it was a mistake at all to have kids.

BUT NO!!!! I AM NOT GONNA LET MY HEART BE TROUBLED!

NO! IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE TO HAVE KIDS! NEVER WAS!

This blog was meant to talk about my journey in faith as I walk this road with my special little boy Jeremiah. Sadly, I must admit some way or another, I may have neglected Jeremiah's older brother, yes Jeremiah's 哥哥 Nathaniel. I hardly ever talked about how I managed the older brother, Nathaniel.

Whenever people see me, they'll go
"How's Jere?"
"How's the little hero?"
"How's the little angel?"

and sometimes or rather most of the times, they forgot Jere's brother, Nathaniel. And yes, Mummy here also is guilty as charged.

How could I forget sweet little Nat?

When I was preggers, Nat would touch my tummy and ask me in anticipation when would baby pop out of mummy's tummy?

Then when I birthed Jere and when Nat came to visit, he thought baby was still in the tummy as my tummy was still huge, yeah...I probably looked as if i haven't given birth at all and the baby was not in the room as it usually was when we went to visit people who just delivered their precious.

We finally went home from hospital after 2 days without the baby of course as little Jere was stuck in Neo natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) and Nat still kept asking where's baby? We told Nat that baby had to stay in hospital as he was not big enough to come home, which was only the half truth. Undoubtedly, baby is small but he definitely could come home in that size if he had been born normal but we did not tell Nat about baby having his spine born out, having an open neural tube defect and having one surgery after another. We thought it was probably too much for a four year old to handle then. Well, how much would he be able to comprehend of that?

Then when Jeremiah finally came home, all the focus was on Jeremiah. Suddenly all the love that Nat enjoyed seemed to be channeled to the little one. Nat seemed almost suddenly replaced. Well, that's probably how Nat must have felt. Soon, Nat started to act up alot!

Till today, 20 months later, Nat still acts up quite a bit and I can only attribute it to his insecurity. Much as I know what's the problem here, I think I very much must be able to translate my thoughts into actions. To merely want to do something about it is not enough.

Love can be had only by loving.

Love it was that made us
And it was love that saved us
Love was God's plan when He made man
God's divine nature is love
Born of God's love we must love him
that's why He made us to love Him
but only when we love all man
Can we partake of God's love
but only when we love all man
Can we partake of God's love

Nat, if you ever read this one day,
I want you to know that I love you.
I want you to know you are my wonderful gift from God and you are a star!
and I am trying my best for you.

You and Jere are my special angels!

Thank you Lord for these blessings!